Does antimatter matter? What about meta-matter? I'm a metaphysicist. Ask me.

After You Fly

There’s a skateboard in the trunk of my car
That’s been there since the day with the stars
I meant to ride it out to the night
But I falter now because there’s no light

The moon had to go and
leave the world so dark
And you had no choice you
knocked it off the park

There’s a dog that visits me sometimes
When I lay my mind to the other side
He bites my hand but means no harm
We climb some mountains till the alarm

Shakes me awake
And I adjust to life
I need a bowl to
climb to pretend-heights

But don’t worry, now
I’ll make it anyhow
My trips are set
And there’s no regret
That’ll hold me down

Just give me a call
If you find my canine friend
’cause after you fly
The heights won’t be pretend

And once and for all
Let me be a man
and cry in a hug
We won’t share again.


Roots I Grow

I’ve never felt so happy
about being alone.
There is fire in the sky
and now a year is gone.
Wind sweeps tears off the waves
and whips it up along
cold drizzle soaking my shirt
fabric drowning my chest

And now the air is weak–
And now my legs, they shake–
With the sea and the world
let my lungs control my soul
Letting go these roots I tend to grow

It never
felt so simple
Just too simple…


Snow blankets cover the streets
Putting them to sleep
and erasing their memories of
all the lives that walked them
and all the hearts that softened
as they beat their final songs
as tribute to their lungs

The snow burns
my naked dumb hand
as I try to build
a castle, like with sand.
Still I watch the snow, like a TV show
that I barely understand.

But It’s all washed out now,
and the frozen storm’s completed,
I’ll retreat to my hometown
wet, and

The Secret of Betterment And Leaders

Are you tired of


Do you find yourself wishing you…




something you


Hi! I’m Napoleon Bruckenheimmershlensen, and in this video, I’ll be telling you a secret. I won’t tell you when I’m telling you this secret, you’ll just know. OKAY!?

The secret is not something you can just find in a cereal box. You know?

You’re not gonna wake up one morning and be like, oh, here’s what I gotta do to get money.


It won’t happen!


But, [calmly] you will find it here, from my mouth.

So keep a lookout, or dare I say, an EAR out, for the secret.

[. . .]

One time, at an old job of mine, I was taking out the trash and this homeless man approached me.

He said,

“Son, if you don’t want to end up like me, then listen to this secret. If you want something, just… go for it, man.”

Those words left a profound impact on me.

That’s not to say that that’s what the secret is.

The secret is something you read between the lines.

Once you hear how simple the secret is, you might get mad and go, “Well, that’s obvious.” But if it’s so obvious, then why aren’t you doing it, dummy?

That’s where we come in.

We’re here to call you on your BULLSHIT!

“You lazy cocksucker!

 With our new Personal Betterment Coach, we’ll drastically change your life, and… your MIND.

“Excuses are like operas… they give me hearing AIDS!”

“I will literally PISS on your bed if you don’t get up right fucking now.”

“Really? No, please, pour some more sugar. In fact have the whole thing. Put the whole thing in your mouth. DO IT NOW, SCUM! If you love sugar, have all of it!”


“DO IT!”



(punches coach)

“…Heh. My job here is done.”



DO NOT PUNCH OUR COACHES, we will sue you

(and rape your family)


[Black screen, static]

The Life Betterment Coaching Program

Because, sometimes, you just need a little morale boost.

[Jump cut back to Coach]


[Cut back to narrator]

So… by now you must be asking yourself,

“When are they gonna tell us the darn tootin’ secret!?”

And the answer is… now.

Did you catch it?

[Replay – slow mo]

“Aaanndd . . . thhheee . . . annnnsssweerrr . . . iiiiss . . . nnnooowwww.”

What about now?

What are you, thick?


There it is. One word.

Remember we said you’d be mad when you heard it?

[emotional flashback]

…once you hear how simple the secret is, you might get mad and go, “Well, that’s obvious.” But if it’s so obvious, then why aren’t you doing it, dummy?

Well, let’s take a moment for you to come to terms with it.

Are you done? Still watching?

For the few of you that are, congratulations! By the simple act of watching this video, you will have all the riches you want. But you have to like, REALLY want them.

And when do you want them?

That’s right. You got it. I’m proud of you.

[emotional music]

S-So proud… (crying)

(shots of baby animals going off to live on their own)




Fire. Water. Earth. Air. Grass. Mud. Sand. Sandy mud. Pancreatic disorders. Monica, from Friends. Portuguese onomatopoeias…

These are just a few of the things you can think about.

[Opening song, Title fades into screen]



Chapter 1:

Mull it Over

Have you ever thought about how many thoughts you have a day?

Have you?

The average person will have at least 11 thoughts a day. Think about that. …Yep, that sounds right. I can’t think of a better way of coming up with ideas than thinking. And if you think you can get away with it thought-free…

Think again.

I remember this one story, I was sitting in my backyard when a raccoon walked by. I stood up and as I pulled out my gun and shot it in the face, I noticed little baby raccoons scramble away from behind it, and I thought (looks at camera), “Well, I’m certainly glad I freed THOSE little fellas!”

My father always used to say to me, and this is something I always think about after a long, disappointing night at a bar… he used to say to me, “Fuck, Danny, what the hell were you thinking!?”
You know? And I usually wasn’t thinking, that’s… that’s the thing.

All over the world, thinking has always been a pop culture phenomenon. You’ll find quotes from the greatest minds that ever lived concerning thoughts, such as…

“I think therefore I am. Rocks don’t think, therefore they aren’t.” – Socrates

“Think before you speak. But think while you speak too, I mean, you know… nyeeehnyeehhhhalalabrrrr. Doesn’t work. Always think, really, should be the lesson to take away here.” – Stephen Hawking

“I think I thought a thought, but if I thought the thought I think I thought, then I think I ought to’ve thought another thought.” – Lassie

“Whether you think you’ll fail or you think you’ll succeed, it doesn’t matter. You’re my slave, and this is America.” – Thomas Jefferson

Here’s a thinker: You put a cat in a box. You also put in there, something that might kill him. Like a… a bag of poison or a… a tiny cactus that looks like cat food but then the cat might eat it and be like.. “uhhhh fuck that’s a cactus,” haha, “ouch,” you know? “I’m dead!”

Anything could happen. It’s like… like an episode of the Big Bang Theory. Well, then you close the box and wait an hour. What do you think has happened to the cat after an hour? Is it dead or alive? The answer is, it’s neither. It’s gone. The universe erased it because it doesn’t like tricks. Alright? That’s why there are laws of physics.

There are basically two schools of thought about how long is too long to think about a specific thing. Like, say, for instance, you’re at a dinner with a loved one, and you’re having a smooth conversation about the socio-economic cooperation between Slavic countries, when suddenly the thought of a bear on a Segway comes to your mind.

Screen Shot 2014-04-04 at 12.42.08 AM
Bear with me, here.

The first school of thought, called the Replacist, encourages you to replace the thought with a more relevant thought concerning your immediate surroundings, lest you should find yourself dating your hand, if you catch my drift.

(clip of a man sitting across a hand at a restaurant table)

The second school of thought, called the Dreamist school, encourages you to embrace it, nurture it, and spend the night with it. The reason being, should you dream about this thought at night, then, my friend, you’ll have a good time.


A Fine Line

There is a fine line between love and hate.

  • One time, I meant to take my girlfriend out to dinner but ended up joining the Westboro Baptist Church.
  • I bought my sister a puppy for Christmas, but upon learning she was getting me socks, I decided not to poke holes in the box.
  • I donated money to a Holocaust Memorial Museum, but upon learning what the Holocaust was, I requested it back immediately.

There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance.

  • It takes confidence to approach a girl at a bar, but it takes arrogance to openly fondle her breasts before saying a word.
  • It takes confidence to climb a mountain, but it takes arrogance to push a co-worker off the top of the mountain after you tricked them into a false friendship, scheming tirelessly for years and years to get them to agree to go hiking with you, even though you chuckled sinisterly at the very mention of said mountain, then apologized, making up some lame excuse about the mountain’s name being a sexual pun, even though it’s not. At all. You just hate competition, you arrogant prick.
  • It takes confidence to rape someone, but it takes arrogance to not call them the next day.

There is a fine line between war and peace.

  • During war, people are killing each other, but during peace, people are annoying each other with their feelings.
  • During war, people are shooting guns and dropping bombs, but during peace, people are shooting coke and dropping acid.
  • During war, people are exploding in jet fighters, but during peace, people are exploding in jet skis.
  • During war, countries hold POWs, but during peace, countries hold POPs.

There is a fine line between life and death.

  • Exemplified by Schrodinger’s cat, the most famous zombie in history.
  • Courtney Love is probably a more modern example.
  • Jesus taught us about this fine line when he stopped those people from stoning a prostitute. He showed them how, using a defibrillator, one can repeatedly resuscitate a dead or semi-dead prostitute to finish casting the appropriate number of stones she deserved.
  • Amy Winehouse: dead in body, alive in spirit. Or is it the other way around? …What’s that? Her body’s for sure dead? Oh. Then, I guess she’s not a good example.

There is a fine line between ending a post smoothly and ending it abruptly.

How To Not Get AIDS

1. Be mindful of your surroundings. Always look where you touch (If you’re blind, ask your guide dog if what you’re touching is safe. It is well know that canines can smell HIV from a distance). Avoid genitals with excessive amounts of bleeding fissures. Granted, this is a subjective issue, so be sure to talk with your partner first.

2. Practice safe sex with anyone you don’t know. Strangers are more likely to pass around AIDS. This is due to a coping mechanism people with AIDS have developed in order to not be alone in their suffering. If you’re going to smash genitals with a friend or lover, however, it’s ok. Don’t bother–they wouldn’t lie. Just ask, and remember: always make sure it’s not rape!

3. Get HIV tested. The best prevention against AIDS is not getting it, or, at least, knowing you don’t have it. A negative HIV test usually results in an unprecedented confidence boost, which in turn comes in handy when deciding which latex-free orgy you deserve to attend.

4. When buying store-brand milk, try asking for a semen free option. Organically-minded grocers all across the country have begun offering 1% and 2% options as well. Your body can only destroy so much HIV in one drink, so it’s always good to have a notion of the spunk percentage you’re ingesting.

5. Don’t take advice from the internet. This might seem like a no-brainer, but there is not a single person online who doesn’t have AIDS. Why do you think the internet has so many viruses? Avoid going online at all costs–in fact, get off your computer too. Chances are, semen has touched your keyboard one way or another, and I don’t mean your own. You can’t trust anyone. No one is on your side. It’s everywhere. There’s no escape; it might as well be called the Humanity Is Vanishing virus. God help us all.

Tip: Vampires, werewolves and murderers all have a high blood-contact incidence, so avoid sex with them when possible.

Thank you for reading this post. It has been a blast. In all seriousness, please remember to always practice safe sex. If anything, to avoid lawsuits, as things can get hairy. Trust me.

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