Are you tired of
NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY?
Do you find yourself wishing you…
HAD MORE MONEY?
$ MONEY $
NEED IN YOUR DAILY LIFE???
Hi! I’m Napoleon Bruckenheimmershlensen, and in this video, I’ll be telling you a secret. I won’t tell you when I’m telling you this secret, you’ll just know. OKAY!?
The secret is not something you can just find in a cereal box. You know?
You’re not gonna wake up one morning and be like, oh, here’s what I gotta do to get money.
It won’t happen!
IT FUCKING WON’T!
But, [calmly] you will find it here, from my mouth.
So keep a lookout, or dare I say, an EAR out, for the secret.
[. . .]
One time, at an old job of mine, I was taking out the trash and this homeless man approached me.
“Son, if you don’t want to end up like me, then listen to this secret. If you want something, just… go for it, man.”
Those words left a profound impact on me.
That’s not to say that that’s what the secret is.
The secret is something you read between the lines.
Once you hear how simple the secret is, you might get mad and go, “Well, that’s obvious.” But if it’s so obvious, then why aren’t you doing it, dummy?
That’s where we come in.
We’re here to call you on your BULLSHIT!
“You lazy cocksucker!“
With our new Personal Betterment Coach™, we’ll drastically change your life, and… your MIND.
“Excuses are like operas… they give me hearing AIDS!”
“I will literally PISS on your bed if you don’t get up right fucking now.”
“Really? No, please, pour some more sugar. In fact have the whole thing. Put the whole thing in your mouth. DO IT NOW, SCUM! If you love sugar, have all of it!”
“I’M NOT GONNA!”
“Because… BECAUSE YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!”
“…Heh. My job here is done.”
DO NOT PUNCH OUR COACHES, we will sue you
(and rape your family)
[Black screen, static]
The Life Betterment Coaching Program
Because, sometimes, you just need a little morale boost.
[Jump cut back to Coach]
“I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU, MOTHERFUCKER”
[Cut back to narrator]
So… by now you must be asking yourself,
“When are they gonna tell us the darn tootin’ secret!?”
And the answer is… now.
Did you catch it?
[Replay – slow mo]
“Aaanndd . . . thhheee . . . annnnsssweerrr . . . iiiiss . . . nnnooowwww.”
What about now?
What are you, thick?
There it is. One word.
Remember we said you’d be mad when you heard it?
…once you hear how simple the secret is, you might get mad and go, “Well, that’s obvious.” But if it’s so obvious, then why aren’t you doing it, dummy?
Well, let’s take a moment for you to come to terms with it.
Are you done? Still watching?
For the few of you that are, congratulations! By the simple act of watching this video, you will have all the riches you want. But you have to like, REALLY want them.
And when do you want them?
That’s right. You got it. I’m proud of you.
S-So proud… (crying)
(shots of baby animals going off to live on their own)